this empty place

This week, I had a long talk with my neighbor Alan. Four years ago, he fell off a ladder at work. Three knee surgeries later, he’s laid off and looking for work.  It doesn’t look hopeful, because he’s a locksmith, and he doesn’t want to settle.

The more he spoke, the more I felt the weight of his longing and disappointment, until I finally asked him, “How do you keep from being depressed?”

“Oh,” he answered, “anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.”

I know the feeling. Whatever reason people cite for giving the call and the work to someone else, one thing is clear: They don’t want me.  And I want drugs, too, because this empty place, where my longing and my training meet…nothing,  is hard to take.

And well-meaning people are so full of platitudes and scriptural band-aids. For the record, I don’t believe:  “God has a plan;” “Everything happens for a reason;” or “God only gives me what I can handle.”

I do think that, despite all its opportunity and progress, our world is still filled with far too much injustice, ignorance, prejudice, and greed. Somehow we muddle through, gaining perspective and experience along the way, hopefully working to change the things that don’t work.

I’m miserable because at this moment and for whatever the reason, I have no vocational future. I look out and see no possibility and no opportunity.  And I notice that no one, except those very close to me, seems to care too much. Sometimes, even those close to me don’t care.

So? So I want drugs, just like Alan.

Instead, I’m choosing to feel what this feels like.  I’m choosing to experience grief, hopelessness, and rejection…this empty place where it seems like I’m nothing to anyone and where I don’t make any difference.  I’m not the first person to live here, and assuredly not the last.

And at least for the moment, it’s interesting to experience the ability to cry at the drop of a hat, be overly sensitive to criticism, and notice how much people complain….about everything.

In the end, we all just want what we want when we want it. 

And we call getting it fulfillment.

For me, other questions are arising:

Can I want what I’ve got while I’ve got it? Can I be fulfilled in this empty place? 

Want more? Click here to read Ecclesiastes 3.